1,906 words
10 minutes read time

I’ll tell you a little story. In our city, our Walmart is located in a poor neighborhood. I would imagine when they built it, they didn’t intend for that to happen, but as the city grew, it became a poor part of town. Since then, theft has increased. You can tell it’s increased because of the way they treat their customers. They have security walking around their store (I know who he is because I worked with him many many years ago when I was checker at K-Mart), they lock up everything that has value, from laundry detergent to pregnancy tests, and in the cosmetics department, you have to pay for anything you want before you leave. They don’t let you pay at the main checkout counters anymore.

They treat you like you’re going to rob the place the second you step foot in their store. And you know what? It sucks. It sucks being treated that way. I mean, I get it, they probably do lose thousands of dollars in product every year, and that will continue to happen as things get more expensive and companies don’t want to pay their employees.

The sad part is, I’ve seen authors treat their ARC readers this way. Changing one word in each copy to “catch” someone pirating, watermarking their copies, making them sign NDAs. Sometimes we forget that we need them–ARC readers don’t need us. Treating them like they’re guilty before they do anything is kind of, I don’t know. I left another Facebook group the other day because I got into a discussion with someone who was trying to prevent theft. At first she said her post was about ARC readers then she changed her story and said she was doing a giveaway on Instagram, mostly, I think, because I told her treating ARC readers like they’re guilty before they even do anything is nasty and unnecessary. No matter how you’re giving out copies of your book, treating readers like they’re going to steal from you will only make you look petty and mean. Your book will get pirated. The potential is there for it to get stolen, but the stories I hear of that happening? Other authors are doing the stealing, not plain old, every day readers who want to help you.

I’m glad I left that group, but I’m sure I’ll see it again. I don’t like being treated like I’m going to do something before I’ve done it. I don’t like being accused when I’m innocent. And neither does anyone else. If you feel that strongly about protecting your work, don’t give out ARCs. Don’t do giveaways and don’t publish because the second your book is on Amazon, it will get pirated.

And as Forrest Gump says, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Once again I had to go through the wonderful process of contacting Goodreads to move Loss and Damages from my “fake” profile to my “official” one. I don’t understand how my “fake” profile isn’t allowed to exist, but it does, and every time I publish, I have to contact Goodreads and have them move my book. This time I contacted support rather than a Librarian and they actually took my “fake” profile down, so maybe the next time I publish a book it will move over correctly without me having to do anything. They were great about it and did it in a couple of hours. I should contact a Librarian and change some of my old covers too, but dealing with Goodreads is a necessary evil, and I try to do it as little as possible.

I’ve been re-editing some older titles, and I think I mentioned that in my last blog post. Since then I finished Faking Forever a couple days ago. Now I’m reading it over just because I made so many changes that I’m looking for mistakes in my edits.

I’m trying to think back to when I was writing that book, or Rescue Me for that matter. Most of my books I wrote between 2020 and 2024 were written while I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t myself, dealing with my lichen sclerosis when I didn’t know what it was, getting a hysterectomy that I’d find out later wouldn’t help and only cause me post-surgery issues, and breaking up with my fiancé who did nothing less than catfish me into thinking he was a decent human being. I look back at that time in my life, and I just wonder if those things didn’t effect how I wrote, because I have to say, Rescue Me didn’t sound too terrible, but Faking Forever sounded like shit. My word choices, my writing style, it all sucked, and I can really tell that I wasn’t in a good frame of mind. I just wasn’t.

When I was re-editing Faking Forever, I practically rewrote the whole thing. Not on a plot or character arc basis, but on a sentence and paragraph level. I took out over 1,000 words when I re-edited Rescue Me, and I took out almost the same in Faking Forever. It makes me sad because looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have been writing. Though, I don’t know what I would have done with myself if I hadn’t. Those four years I was undiagnosed, my doctors lying to me, prescribing treatments that wouldn’t help, I was in a really bad place mentally. I had anxiety. We were going through COVID and lockdown and I was trying to support my daughter who started tenth grade virtually.

I’m feeling better now. In 2024 I got a diagnosis. I stopped taking the medication that had side effects. I stop drinking the tap water that was making me nauseated and messing up my digestion. Most days now I don’t think about how I feel physically. I can push what’s left into a corner of my brain and ignore it. But in doing so, that leaves my mind open to a lot of other things, and I can see in my writing how stressed out I was.

This makes me feel horrible, because in 2020 I started my pen name in an effort to do everything “right.” I wanted to turn my books into a career, but I sabotaged myself and starting a pen name or trying to do any kind of “real” work not feeling well only backfired. I have a lot of books out. My Lost & Found Trilogy. My Cedar Hill Duet. Those are the first books I published. Since I published them, I’ve edited them, but I edited them when I still wasn’t feeling well, and well, unless I read them again, I have no idea how they would sound to me now.

I can safely say that my other books are okay. I just reread my rockstars and I like how they sound (except for a couple of typos here and there that are normal). I’m lucky I did the final sweeps of my King’s Crossing serial when I was feeling good. That would have been a monster of a project to re-edit and I’m confident I don’t have to do that. Rescue Me and Faking Forever are fixed, or close to it. I’ll edit A Heartache for Christmas after I upload new files to KDP for Faking Forever, just in time for the holiday push this year. Then, maybe I can feel in a good enough place to write new work. I felt good writing Wicked Games earlier this year. I edited Loss and Damages (coming out next month) when I was feeling good.

Where does this leave me? I’m cleaning up my house, literally and figuratively, but there’s a lot of time gone by. I don’t want to say wasted. I can’t. Writing was there for me when my world was pretty much falling part, for lack of a better way to describe it, but I don’t want to sound melodramatic either. I can write new books knowing I’m giving my best to the story and the characters and nothing is holding me back or distracting me.

A friend told me to give myself grace. That if my writing is better today it’s not only because I’m feeling better but because I’ve put a lot of words on the page. That might be true. I know I learned over the past year to spot some writing tics that I’ve been able to avoid in newer work. I’ve learned to relax, not only just to enjoy the writing, but my writing style and my voice. Who cares if I use “get” or “put” or “takes” or a little telling slips in there sometimes? My writing sounds stilted because I was trying to avoid garbage words, and honestly, with the books out there that are selling like ice cream cones in 90 degree weather, you’re better off just saying “fuck it” and write in a freer manner than trying to conform to rules that will only make you sound like cardboard.

But this also circles around to my not having an editor. I’ve broken probably one of the most important rules in publishing. Not even just indie, but publishing in general. There are a lot reasons why I haven’t. I mean, I used to, back when I first started, but my productivity was so much that I would never have been able to afford one for every single book anyway. And I’ve had this argument with myself and others before: an editor can’t teach you how to write. They can only make better what you’ve given them, and if you give them garbage, you only get better garbage when they’re done.

Likely, an editor wouldn’t have been able to do much with Faking Forever. It was my voice, my style as a whole, that had problems. Fox’s and Posey’s character arcs are solid. The plot is fine. It just read like crap and I’m not sure what an editor could have done. Marked every sentence and suggested I rewrite it? And even if that had happened, I’m not sure I could have. Not how I was feeling.

So, I guess the best thing I can do is move on. Write more, enjoy the process now that I can. Celebrate my improved health. Go back if I feel like it, and I probably will at some point. Re-edit my Lost & Found trilogy and my Cedar Hill duet. Those would be the last books I’d need and then I could say all my books are okay. But I don’t want to be re-editing forever either. I’d like to write something new, but I’m going with my instincts and right now after getting Faking Forever out of the way, giving A Heartache for Christmas one final read will make me feel better. I like Evie and Sawyer anyway, so going back won’t be a hardship. I’ve read bits and pieces since I published them and I already know that book doesn’t sound like Faking Forever did. Maybe I was in a particularly nasty frame of mind when I wrote Faking Forever, I don’t know. All I can do is take the good from that time in my life and leave the bad.

I’m still getting used to the restructuring my work did last week. Only time will tell if it will effect how often I can blog, but I love sharing bits of my life and news with you so I’ll do my best not to let it impact me too much.

Have a good week, everyone, and I’ll chat with you later for sure.